I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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