I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
