Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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