If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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