I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
