All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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