Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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