im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
