what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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