my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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