Your tits are I can't wait for
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
