Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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