come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
