why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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