Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
