Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
