I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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