I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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