The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.