I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
