You made me cry and you don't even care
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
