smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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