I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
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