I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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