u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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