Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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