I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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