Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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