In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
