We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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