Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
