He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
