I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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