I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
