i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
