Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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