I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
