sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
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What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
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my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.