we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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