I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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