1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
