I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
