They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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