you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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