I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
