tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish my penis had a tongue
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
