I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
