Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
