Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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