my sisters under your porch take her home
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
