Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
