it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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