so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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