i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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