The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
