im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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