My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
